People share their most f*cked up wanking stories

Have you ever had such a mortifying wank that the sheer shame of it continued to haunt you years later? Well, these guys have and they've kindly decided to share their experiences on Reddit.

- One time in the shower, 13 yr old me thought it would be a good idea to stuff my limp dick into the slippery and tight neck of a shampoo bottle. Well it felt good for about 3 seconds, Then the hard plastic rim of the shampoo bottle didn’t give despite my flesh expanding. In panic and shame I stood in the shower, paralyzed by indecision and fear, until the hot water ran out and cold water freed me from the stalwart grip of the plastic horror. Also the soap burned my pee hole.

- I got high and fucked a honeydew melon, I was 15 and proceeded to cut the part I came in off and eat the rest of the melon because I was high and had the munchies. I remember in my head saying “its like cheese, just cut the mold off”

- So I was fapping, and then I was done fapping, so I went to the bathroom to wash my hands when I suddenly hear my dad going up the stairs, towards my room. I wasn’t sure I closed the porn so I ran to my room with my hands wet. I see my dad looking into my room, he turns around to give me some fruit (he went upstairs to give it to me). He had one big grin on his face, and left. I looked into my room hoping there was nothing to see. I just looked inside my room and you could see a woman with a dick in her mouth on fullscreen… He definitely saw it. To my surprise, he never talked about it. I guess he was just glad I’m not gay.

- Jacked off with hand soap that had tiny little beads in it. Not sure if the beads caused it or something in the soap, but the day after, my dick looked like it belonged in a burn ward. It was horrible; blood-red in most spots and pink in the other. I could pee fine but the slightest touch would cause my body to tense up because it was so tender. I could barely walk and I was young and too embarrassed to tell my mom. After a few days of hiding and dealing with horrible pain and having a dick that looked like it belonged to Freddy Krueger, my dick literally began to molt. My dick was COVERED in dry, cracked skin that peeled off in huge chunks (like a really bad sunburn). It took a week or two to finally get better and, luckily, I didn’t have any lasting cosmetic damage.

- My grandpa was in the hospital with a brain tumor. We had visited him that day, but he didn’t have much time left. I was maybe 17 or 18 years old, and after we got home at 1 am I did what every teen does and whipped it out. Now I’m sitting on my bed, hoping to bust it into the trashcan, when I hear my dads door open across the hall. I jump underneath my comforter, hoping to cover myself up before he gets to my room, I can hear his footsteps coming at faster than normal speeds.
I was on my side in “fake sleep” position when my dad opens the door, his face covered in tears. His voice breaks and he says “he’s gone.” He walks over to me and just hugs me tight, meanwhile my deflating dong is (thank God still covered by thick Egyptian cotton comforter) but right between us. After about a full 2 minute hug, he let’s me go and leaves to tell my brother. I have never felt more remorse for a simple wank than at that moment. May God have mercy on my soul.

- There was an earthquake and I legit had no idea because I was masturbating so couldn’t tell the room was shaking

- I once fucked a jar of cooked spaghetti.

- Intoxicated, half asleep, I threw my blanket off and went at it. I woke up to the smell of what I thought was melting plastic. Blanket was on bedside metal desk lamp just burning away. Turns out those awful comforters that come in a dorm pack melt instead of catching fire, which is apparently life saving for me. Don’t masturbate, kids, you’ll burn down your home.

- Friends birthday party. It was a sleepover. He wakes up, looks over and sees his teddy bear going up and down on his friends dick.

- Went to a friends house and I didn’t know anything about masturbation. He then got on his bed and I slept on the floor and he proceeded to rub one out. Before this he taught me how to jerk off, and we then proceeded to jerk off together. Probably the weirdest moment of my life. Me and that friend don't talk anymore

- When my nosy neighbor let herself into my house and headed up the stairs to my bedroom to found me half naked masturbating with a vacuum. I think I was like 13 or 14 and left the front door unlocked. She said I wasn’t answering calls (family friend at the time) so she came over… it still doesn’t add up to this day. Then she sat down next to me after I put on pants and chatted about how masturbation is perfectly healthy.

- When I was 13, my older brother bought me a pocket pussy because he was a cool guy.

So, I still had a Space Jam pillowcase at the time. This Space Jam pillowcase as a matter of fact.

And it just so happened that I thought Lola bunny was fucking smokin. So, I’d fold the pillow around the pocket pussy and pretend like I was banging Lola bunny. One day, and I don’t know why, I flipped it to the other side. And I thought about fucking the Orange Monster. I stuck with that side of the pillow for the next five years. When I left for college, I brought all my favorite stuff with me. Including my Space Jam pillowcase.
One day, my roommate asks me why I’ve still got a little kid’s pillowcase.
And then the epiphany hit me that I’ve been fucking a cloth representation of an Orange alien that stole Charles Barkley’s basketball talent for the last five years and that maybe it was weird for an 18 year old to be doing that.

I've actually got a pretty mortifying masturbation story but I'll leave that for another time.

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