Dude makes love to his vacuum cleaner and things go horribly wrong
I think most dudes at one time or another have thought about sticking their dick in the vacuum cleaner to see what it would feel like. Of course most people don't act on it as it's a pretty stupid thing to do considering how much suction those machines have. Sadly though, there's always a few plebs out there that give in to their ridiculous impulses and decide to give it a go which can result in a seriously sore weener. This guy recently shared his story on Reddit which should act as a cautionary tale to those considering fucking their Henry Hoovers.
I don’t know if I’m the only one who has ever thought of doing this, but I had this long running fantasy of sticking my dick into the hose of a vacuum cleaner, turning it on, and having it suck me off. One day, when my entire family went to an event leaving me at home, I decided to seize upon this opportunity and try it out. There were several problems to contend with, however.
The first of these problems was the fact that the wet-dry vac I was using (for fear of what jizz would do to the inside of a dry-only vacuum) wasn’t the cleanest thing in the world. Not only that, but the hose head had a slight lip around it that had become almost jagged from scraping away at the floor. What made this even less comfortable is that I didn’t even have any lubricant, so I just tried to use shampoo to reduce friction.
Sliding it in wasn’t very pleasant, but what I had failed to take into consideration was the fact that my dick wasn’t exactly as wide as the vacuum cleaner hose was, so when I turned the thing on, my dick started violently knocking into the inner wall of the hose.
At this point, my windsock of a dick starts to hurt a little bit. Even still, I decide to try a little harder. That is when I realized my ultimate misstep: I had no idea what to do with the hose to get me off. So, I started in the most natural place to start, which, for me, was rubbing it up and down my shaft. Remember that jagged ring around the end of the hose? Well, I didn’t, at least until I start sliding the hose down, at which point I felt as if a million little knives were cutting into my dick, a problem only exacerbated by the lack of lubrication. Any resistance provided by the shampoo was lost to the suction of the vacuum cleaner.
At this point, I decided that there was truly no point in continuing, because I was in far too much pain to get off. So, I slid the hose off of my dick before turning the machine off. That was my last mistake. I should have turned the thing off first, because when I was sliding my dick out, it rattled even more violently the less that was in there, to the point where the head was getting bounced like a beach ball against the jagged edge of the hose. That was the worst of the pain for sure.
When I finally recovered my dick from the vacuum cleaner, it was beet red. I had gotten properly tenderized. There were parts that had a little skin scraped off which started to scab shortly thereafter. Between the soreness and the scabbing, I was unable to masturbate for a week, and it was mildly painful for the rest of the month.
I think the moral of the story here is don't stick your cock in the vacuum cleaner. Have a wank like a normal person!
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